Our attention is being pulled in many directions these days in the “Divided” States of America. I will ponder four topics—Relationships, Death, Politics, and Caregiving. Am I taking a risk? Each of us has unique experiences as we journey through life. I welcome your views.
Relationships
If you’ve lived long enough, you’ve had falling outs with people you thought had your back. Hurtful words shouted. No timely or meaningful apology. Unspoken misunderstandings festering for hours, days, or weeks. What’s going on? Oh, nothing! Divorce.
One of the nearly 100 books written before my friend, Dr. Marlene Caroselli died, was about risk. Her words have remained with me for two decades. She advised (heavily paraphrased) the measure of a risk worth taking is the value we place on it. For example, if we place greater value on our relationships, we are willing to risk being vulnerable. Yet, people send a clear message when they choose give up on people in their lives. Have you been ghosted?
We stop communicating with someone. What’s the use? Nothing changes. We feel disrespected. Abused. Unsafe. Are we being self-righteous? Saving face? On the other hand, there are times when we are completely oblivious to something we have said or done that may have offended someone. Too few of us consider feedback a gift. Yet, it is only by the good grace of the people who value their relationships that they share openly.
While fiercely loyal to those in my tribe (my inner circle), I’ve had plenty of relationship deaths in my life for each of the above reasons. I will have more. You will have more. This is us being human.
Yet, despite the dissention in our world today, we are growing more open across the generations. We are learning how and growing less uneasy with risking vulnerability to better communicate with one another.
Still, death waits in the shadows. If there’s any benefit to loss, it’s a wake-up call.
Death
We question everything when someone we care about, dies. Why did you die and leave me, alone?
The pain of loss ripples through families, friends, business partners, and community acquaintances. The longer we live, the more we will experience loss. We lose someone after a long illness. May they rest in peace. We lose someone suddenly, due to a freak accident.
We draw on our beliefs. Everything happens in threes. Who will die next? We have faith. It is God’s will. As more of our friends and family die, like children, we may wonder, “Is it me?”
Death often brings regret. Regret for things we did not do or say. Over a half-dozen years, having lost people I valued deeply, I’ve learned and applied three important lessons.
Lesson One: If I feel the need, visit sooner than later.
Lesson Two: Be fully present. Focus on the person.
Lesson Three: Say the things I need to say each time I’m with the person.
Applying these three lessons has allowed me to experience no regret; only sadness for the void they’ve left in my life.
Politics
Regardless of who I voted for, I am old-fashioned enough to believe I must stand behind the Commander in Chief (POTUS) chosen by my fellow citizens of these United States. I spend weeks reading about California’s many measures and propositions. I research the candidates. I vote across party lines. Sadly, many votes are case based on insufficient information.
Over the years, people’s behaviors put us at risk of becoming the “Divided” States of America. Instead of the issues, people attack each other personally. We risk weakening our “United” States.
This trashing of our leaders, regardless of the party, divides and weakens us. Perceived weakness creates opportunities for other nations to take advantage. On an individual level, personal attacks divert attention from the issues. After all, we really don’t know all the facts. We only know what the media share. And the media wants our attention. The truth lies elsewhere.
If we were willing to invest our time and effort to learn different ways of seeing the issues, we might spend less time attacking one another. Honestly, despite the fervor with which some of us share our views, none of us has a big enough picture to know the issues fully.
We need to adopt the same unconditional regard and to help as caregivers. This way we remain open to gain a greater perspective than our own fractionally accurate opinions.
Caregiving
Quality caregiving requires unconditional regard for those who depend on us. Done well, how we interact provides a model for all our relationships.
Consider the unconditional caring necessary for a caregiver for a loved one with dementia. People with dementia will say and do things that are unacceptable in other relationships. We understand that people with diseases of the brain experience increasing instances where they struggle to make sense of their world. This can grow overwhelming and exhausting for the caregiver. Managing caregiver stress is critical. If the burden grows too great, we must find someone to help us or take over.
If we adopted more of the same unconditional love and respect quality caregivers provide people with dementia, we will grow stronger relationships. As we strengthen our relationships, the results ripple outward. We build stronger communities and present a stronger and united front.
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